• nate@nateplissken.com
The importance of kink in a relationship.

The importance of kink in a relationship.

Why is there the importance of kink in a relationship, anyway? Each person making up a relationship is different. So what one person considers kink compared to another person may be considered as vanilla. But women’s fantasies about sex would surprise most men.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine reported:

  • 65% of women fantasize about being dominated sexually. 
  • 30.9% of women fantasize about having sex with two men.
  • 81% percent of women fantasize about having sex in unusual places like a public bathroom or an office building.
  • 56% of women fantasize about having sex with more than three people, both men and women.
  • 52% of women fantasize about being tied up in order to have sexual pleasure.
  • 36% of women fantasize about being spanked or whipped for sexual pleasure.
  • 23% of women fantasize about spanking or whipping someone else for sexual pleasure.
  • 31% of women fantasize about being filmed during sex.
  • 28.9% of women fantasize about being forced to have sex.
  • 71% of women fantasize about being masturbated by their partner.
  • 36.8% of women fantasize about being masturbated by an acquaintance.
  • 26.9% of women fantasize about indulging in swinging relationship with a couple they do not know.
  • 17.5% of women fantasize about having swinging relationship with people that they know.
  • 31% of women fantasize about masturbating an unknown person.
  • 41% of women fantasize about their partner ejaculating on them.Them

Women think about sex.

While men think about sex more often than men, the gap could be closing. More women are thinking about sex than ever before. But this is not a complete list of fetishes that women have. Women do not always tell their men what they are thinking about sexually.

41% of women’s dream threesome are with two males (MMF) and women are 80% more likely to watch gangbang porn than men for the sheer reason that when it comes to dick, the more, the merrier. The Rooster.com


Wikipedia defines BDSM as a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics.

This is important to know because 62% of women are interested in some form of BDSM. The range of interest is may be extreme.

How to initiate kink into your relationship?

Initiate is the correct word here, because 65% of women want to be dominated by their partner. That means you must be the leader. But this can cause some confusion or fear in a sexually inexperienced man. But read on and I will give you some tips.

Comfort and Trust.

Do want to lead your partner to the land flowing with wet panties and loud orgasms? The road their starts with comfort and trust. You will never sexually dominate a woman nor get full access to her sexuality unless you first get her completely comfortable with you and trusting you. This isn’t manipulation, it’s just the way it is.


If there is anything in your relationship making her uncomfortable, it’s going to be difficult to move forward with whatever kink or fetish that you both have. She wants to tell someone about her secret, desires her kinks, but how comfortable is she with you? This comes in to play a lot in the beginning of a relationship but is amplified when you are asking her to share her more naughty desires, even depraved lusts.

Comfort is about being able to make her laugh and let her guard down. You can do that by not being uptight but or judgemental of her. How comfortable is she in your relationship? When a woman is comfortable with you, you can both go places together others cannot. Does she feel completely accepted by you? Or does she feel guarded? If a woman is really comfortable around you, you can lead her. Another way of putting it is does she feel good being around you?


The most important thing when exploring kinks and fetishes is trust. How much trust have you built in your relationship? Trust is a hard thing to earn sometimes and an easy thing to lose. But her trust in you that you will not harm her or allow her to be harmed by others is huge. Does she trust that, you will protect her, not share her secrets, and that you know what you are doing.

Communication is key to gaining trust and comfort.

Communication is not grilling her with questions. You may start a conversation by admitting some of your fetishes and saying something like: “I’ve been wanting to tell you about some of my fantasied but I didn’t want you to think I am weird? Do you mind if we talk about them?” Then, after being open about some of your fetishes and fantasies, simply ask her about her fantasies or kinks?

Go slow and don’t judge and be honest.

So when sharing her kinks with you, she may feel the need to tame her fantasies down so she doesn’t appear like a slut. Don’t show any negative feedback on her fantasies, or this will probably discourage her from being open about her fantasies in the future. Also, if you are into a fetish like bondage and restraints, or swinging or having a threesome, and she expresses that she is not interested, do not immediately back down but don’t be pushy. What I mean is have the attitude of I hear what you are saying, that you are not comfortable having a threesome right now and I accept that but it’s still a genuine desire for me but we can put it on the shelf for now.

In my experience.

Sometimes just trying things is the best way to find out what she is into. I buy sex toys randomly, like paddles, gags, restraints and vibrators, and I like to try them on my partner. I don’t usually tell her in advance what toys I am going to use on her. We are in a consensual relationship and have a certain level of comfort and trust. This makes the experience more enjoyable for her in my opinion because women want to be led or dominated.

Communication is key.

I can’t say it enough. Having conversations and listening to your partner is important. For instance, I know my girlfriend is okay with having anal sex sometimes, but not regularly. I know that she likes being spanked. The feedback I have gotten from women is that they dislike it when a man has to ask—hey do you want to have sex or can we do this? Instead, sexual escalation is a dance of arousal and flirtation and four play.

Some things need more talk than others.

Swinging and group sex is going to require knowing your partner’s limits and planning. What her limits are and rules are important to BDSM. Is she into pain or just being restrained and teased? 

Not sure what you are into?

There are a lot of fetish websites online. One of the best sites is Fetlife.com. It has a lot of groups online and local groups you can meet up with to explore your fetishes.

In summary.

The why of becoming more kinky in your relationship is that you become a higher value man in your relationship when you dominate her sexually. She is going to think twice about leaving you for someone else when she knows that is going to be difficult to find anyone else who is as kinky as you. This is not something you master in a week. You become more knowledgeable and masterful in this area little by little. Some things to consider are building your toy collection, learn new skills, and how to practice safe play all of these things can be researched on online forums and practiced in your bedroom with your partner.

Girls do want to have their hair pulled and their ass spanked.

In most cases, women want to be talked dirty to and have their ass spanked and hair pulled during sex. Remember, there are moments for everything. To a hammer, everything else is a nail, but not every situation requires a hammer. Learn when to be gentle and sweet and when to be strong and firm.

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