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How to talk to your partner about Non-monogamy.

How to talk to your partner about Non-monogamy.

So many people live in differing states of sexual frustration and unhappiness. How to talk to your partner about Non-monogamy. Many men find it easier to cheat on their wives than sit down and talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Sexual infidelity seems to be one of the biggest causes of that, but what if couples were honest about their sexual desires?

What is an openly non-monogamous relationship?

An openly non-monogamous relationship is one where partners agree that they want to be together and are open and honest about the fact that they have other partners. For this reason, it is also sometimes referred to as ethical non-monogamy.


Non-monogamy comes in many shapes and sizes.

Just as there are many shades of gray, there are many ways to be in an openly, non-monogamous relationship. I could easily title this instead: How to talk to your partner about swinging, or adding a third party to your relationship, or having threesomes occasionally, or having an open relationship. Polyamory and swinging are different spectrums of non-monogamy.

It’s not cheating if my husband watches.

Author Unknown

How I became aware of ethical Non-monogamy.

In my early thirties, after coping with a divorce in my late twenties, I began dating a lot. I started to really understand myself. My marriage ended in part because I cheated. But I knew now that I didn’t want to have sex with just one woman for the rest of my life and resent her for that. So I didn’t have very long serious relationships. But I didn’t know that being in an ethically non-monogamous relationship was even possible.

Strangely enough, I did stay in touch and friends with some women I dated. When I was doing research about dating and sex for a book I was working on, I contacted them. I asked if they would take an anonymous survey about dating and sexuality that I could use for data for my book. What I found was that two of the women I contacted were now in Non-monogamous relationships.

I was shocked. It never occurred to me that these women would be open and interested in being in a non-monogamous relationship. I asked how they got into that type of relationship and one of the ladies told me that her partner told her at the beginning of the relationship that a non-monogamous relationship was what he wanted. She had to think about it but found that, yeah; she was open to the idea. Here leads me to the best way to talk to your partner about Non-monogamy.

The best way.

It’s best to bring up what you want sexually in a relationship is to bring it up early in your relationship. You need to know what you want before you talk to your partner. Being afraid to lose a person can be the reason some people do not speak openly about their desires. But hiding things and lying about what you want can be a real problem. Imagine not telling your partner till you have been with her for years and now what you want and what she wants may be so far apart.

The second best way.

Maybe it’s been years that you have been married or in your relationship, but you find yourself wanting sex outside of your relationship with just your partner. The second best time to talk to your partner is now. Obviously, you don’t want to bring it up during a fight or when things are super stressful. You are with your partner because you love and care about them; I assume. His or her feelings are important to you.

The best words to use.

Use your own sincere way of speaking. You may start by saying that there is something I have always wanted to do but was afraid I would be judged. Often tomes the exact words you use don’t matter as much as the way you say them. I would avoid using the sandwich-method. The sandwich-method is where you say a complementary thing about the person and then say the word “But” and then say what you really mean to say. I recommend being more direct. Use an opening phrase to start the conversation:

“There is something that has really been on my mind…”

The best time to talk to your partner.

What I have found that works best in my relationship is talking with my girlfriend when we are walking. We found that going on long walks is a good stress reliever and a great way to lose body fat. And we have found that while we go on these good hour long walks, we have plenty of time to talk about everything.

Another thing that helped.

I bought a book that was recommended to me by a friend. The book is titled: “The Ethical Slut” written by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. I read it to help me understand what I wanted and when my partner saw me reading it, she couldn’t help but read it too. This really settled some of her fears and helped us understand what we wanted.

We talked about what we both wanted and we agreed we didn’t want a polyamorous relationship. The idea of multiple people coming in and out of our home on a regular basis didn’t appeal to us. Instead, we just wanted to swing. We were not interested in adding a third or a fourth person to our relationship, but instead wanted to have sex with multiple couples for pleasure’s sake alone.

Be real.

If you talk to your partner about swinging or having threesomes or an open relationship or having another girlfriend, this can go usually two ways. One way is she will be open to it or the other she will not. Some thoughtful partners will ask for time to think about it. But what if she says absolutely no, I won’t be into this? What are you going to do? You need to think about that before you talk about it.

Also, if you have a bad monogamous relationship, chances are pretty good that you will have a terrible non-monogamous relationship, too. Maybe your desire to have sex outside of your relationship was what was causing stress on your relationship and non-monogamy could bring you closer together, but it isn’t clear.

What is clear is the best ethically non-monogamous relationships are with partners who have excellent lines of communication on every level. Women especially need to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship.

You may be surprised.

Your partner may have many unfulfilled sexual desires that he or she was too scared to bring up before. Be open with your partner and accepting of his or her desires. Non-monogamy is a give and take relationship. Remember, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Learning how to cope with jealousy is a real too.

How do you get started being Ethically Non-Monogamous?

If your partner is open to the idea, then what? There are so many ways to get into the lifestyle, parties, events, clubs, and online swingers sites that help you connect with other like-minded people.

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